Note to self…

Dear Brain,

We need to talk.  We’ve known each other as long as you can remember.  We’ve laughed together, we’ve loved together, we’ve hated together and we’ve cried together- in fact we cried together recently, and that’s kinda what I need to talk to you about.

Sort your shit out.

Both me and the body are a little pissed off with your behaviour in the past few years, and your even more nutsy actions in the past 5 months or so since the Fringe, which if you remember was one of the best experiences of our life?

See, first things first, body is pretty pissed off with you.  Really not impressed with what you’re doing to it- YOU may like sugar rushes, and they might make YOU feel better, but body is starting to worry about its jean size.  We would rather not return to the elephantine bulk of recent years thank you very much.  The other issue, and this is one you know comes up time and time again, is will you stop thinking that drinking solves all our problems?  I know it allows you to switch to auto pilot, to stop being me for a few hours and be someone else- but honestly?  That someone else is an even bigger dick.  And it’s going to end up causing trouble.  And again, body really isn’t happy with what you do to it, it gets embarrassing staggering around because you’ve lost all ability to function correctly- and on the subject of functioning correctly whilst dinking, penis would like a quick word.

Now I know it’s because you’re in pain, and for something without nerve endings and an ability to actually feel that’s quite an achievement.  But honestly, despite what you think- people DO care about you and they don’t want us to carry on like we are, they’re worried that someone they care about is possibly going off the rails and really, it’s your doing.  Now I know that no one knows exactly why your serotonin is low, and really that doesn’t matter.  What does matter is that we have to work together as a unit to get through this.

Me and body are also a little concerned that you seem to get a rush from hurting yourself- please stop, the right arm weeps with what you make it do to lefty.

Today me and body wanted to go into uni, but you got all scared, terrified of seeing other human beings and so to keep you safe me and body decided to let you rest, to stay safe at home.  But this can’t start again, not after spending two years not able to go out.  We’re finally getting our life back in order, we’re meeting new friends and look, I need to be blunt with you- they’re still new enough that they aren’t going to put up with your shit for much longer.  Think about that.  You hate being alone, yet are going out of your way to push people away.

Don’t do that.

Now I know you don’t think you have the strength to go without the self medicating effects, but here’s the thing- YOU do have the strength, you’ve done it before.  Last year?  You got over the psychological need to self medicate and had four months of sheer bliss.  You felt better, healthier, stronger and able to deal with things- in fact you felt so able to deal with things you thought you could have a drink again.  But no.  And I know self medicating with booze is linked in with how you are feeling, but please, I am begging you, try and focus on something else.  Find a way to deal with your mental health issues without resorting to a bottle to dull your senses- it makes us all look bad.

When you’re functioning properly, when you are clean and sensible and rational – you are a really nice guy.  And people respect you, you need to understand that.  People care  about  us- and are worried.

This is an intervention, on behalf of me and the body.  Yet another intervention.  I don’t know how many there will be, but I hope you can re-read this letter every few days and realise that you are cared for, you are respected, you have friends and you have a life- and we don’t want that to go sour because it will just make us worse.

I love you man,

Ash

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